Perspective

Two years ago I was sitting in my dorm room, fighting with my roommate who wouldn't talk to me, cramming for finals, and knowing exactly where I wanted to go with my life. I knew where I belonged, who I fit in with, and what I was going to do.

A year and a half ago I was desperately trying to hold onto someone who was leaving and who I loved very much. I was ending up my first year of college and enjoying all of the things I would be coming back to the next year. Yet I still knew exactly where I was going.

A year ago my world fell apart. Everything I thought I wanted, everything I thought I knew fell out from under me and I was staring down the barrel of a loaded gun ready to fire at any point and time to take me away from what I knew.

Six months ago I thought there was still hope to follow the path I wanted to follow. I was worn out, living at home and feeling confined, but I thought I could find hope.

Today I fell worn out, exhausted, burnt out, and as though I don't matter. I know there are people out there who I matter very much to, but for all their support and help and kindness I feel so alone still.

And I'm jealous of someone who doesn't deserve my time or my energy worrying about. He has the freedom I crave - and for that I wish I could forever be damned. I love my child and I wouldn't trade him for ANYTHING. I just wish the other half of the equation could deal with the late-night feedings and the screaming and the massively dirty diapers. But someday he will have another child - I don't know when ... but then he will deal with all of those things and fell what I feel. And I won't care what he goes through - it's not worth my time or my energy.