Two years ago I was sitting in my dorm room, fighting with my roommate who wouldn't talk to me, cramming for finals, and knowing exactly where I wanted to go with my life. I knew where I belonged, who I fit in with, and what I was going to do.
A year and a half ago I was desperately trying to hold onto someone who was leaving and who I loved very much. I was ending up my first year of college and enjoying all of the things I would be coming back to the next year. Yet I still knew exactly where I was going.
A year ago my world fell apart. Everything I thought I wanted, everything I thought I knew fell out from under me and I was staring down the barrel of a loaded gun ready to fire at any point and time to take me away from what I knew.
Six months ago I thought there was still hope to follow the path I wanted to follow. I was worn out, living at home and feeling confined, but I thought I could find hope.
Today I fell worn out, exhausted, burnt out, and as though I don't matter. I know there are people out there who I matter very much to, but for all their support and help and kindness I feel so alone still.
And I'm jealous of someone who doesn't deserve my time or my energy worrying about. He has the freedom I crave - and for that I wish I could forever be damned. I love my child and I wouldn't trade him for ANYTHING. I just wish the other half of the equation could deal with the late-night feedings and the screaming and the massively dirty diapers. But someday he will have another child - I don't know when ... but then he will deal with all of those things and fell what I feel. And I won't care what he goes through - it's not worth my time or my energy.
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6 comments:
it makes me sad to hear you sound so hopeless, because no matter how bad things look, they will always get better, sometimes we just have to accept the bad the headaches and the pain, and remember that it all helps make you the amazing person you are today.. just a thought
Hey Tabs...I've been thinking about you a lot lately and can't tell you how much I miss you in broadcasting...and just as a friend to vent to :) Sometimes I think about so many of the girls I know that waste these years in college on partying/drinking/hooking up and I think how unfair it is that you...someone so smart and unconditionally kind and hard-working has to struggle each day to maintain what you have. I guess I just wanted you to know that I really admire you and hope that I can be half as strong as you someday. I know it probably doesn't mean a lot, but you are still thought about quite often (and missed)...and I just know that there are some pretty awesome things in store for your life. Not that you haven't heard it a million times, but your son is gorgeous and I'm really glad I got to see you both, even for such a short time! I hope things look up...just know you're loved!! :) Talk to you soon,
Amy xoxo
yep add my love into that equation. boys suck but someday you'll find a MAN and things will work out. LOL
call me sometime loser! ill even just come babysit or something
So I don't know how many times I've said it, but I'm sorry about how things worked out.
Tabitha, I wanted to be there for you. And want to be there for Levi. Tabitha, I just gave up hope of us getting another chance today. I've carried those pics you gave me, you know, the ones where you crossed out your last name and put mine in place of it, with me every day since you sent them to me in basic training.
I held out hope for 8 months after you said its over, i carried the ring for most of that time. I wanted things to work out so we could raise our son together. I still want to be there for you two.
I know things wont ever work out between you and I so that we end up together, I'd be a fool to think that they would. But I guess you can call me a fool for hoping for the impossible. It's just that I thought maybe, another of gods great miracles would happen to me and we would be a family. (the first miracle was Levi, in case you were wondering) I've thought many a days about what it would be like to have a happy family with you and Levi.
I wanted to be there for the late night feeding, the shitty diapers, the crying, the screaming, the fits, all of that. As well as the good things, the birth, his first time crawling, first steps, first words. I wanted to make all of first with you Tabitha.
I can't do it any more. I just cant, Today was the day I took the pictures out of my wallet, and gave up. Life moves on with or without you, and for the past 8 months its been moving on without me, now its time for me to hop back on the train.
It's about time I go. And again. I'm sorry, and If I could ask god for one more miracle, the last one i ever see, it would be to go back and fix everything I messed up with you.
Mickey
thought you ought to know...
Tabs...Thanks for reading my blog and commenting :) It feels so weird to be a senior...and that you're not here. I want to hear more about what you're doing now...PR sounds sweet! and something you'd definitely be good at. You're so good with dealing with people (not everyone is a girl after Chuck's own heart:)) Let me know how that goes and I'm on board for babysitting too if you ever need anyone!!
Much Love xoxo
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