Missing

I feel as though I'm missing something. I don't know if its in my social life(what little of it there is), in my daydreams, or whether it is something right under my nose. I want to be able to find out what it is - I just have a hard time looking inside myself anymore.

Lots of times when I look inside I see a broken heart - a soul in need of serious repair and I have no clue how to even start dealing with either of those. I see blackness - guilt for things done ine the past - those that can never be changed, although I don't know if I would want to change them now that I think about it. Life isn't supposed to be this way - its not supposed to seem as though everyday is a never ending saga I just want to get out of.

I always wanted to have a husband and a family and grow old with one man - not need to have a job, but to have the capability to get one if I needed to. Now I don't even know if I want to do that anymore. I have the beginnings of a family - a beautiful baby boy - but I'm not sure if I can ever handle dating again. I don't want to have my heart broken - I don't think I can take anymore hurts like I have been dealt. To some it may seem as though I am just a hard hearted girl who needs to grow up and deal with life. But my heart isn't heardened to all people - just those who hurt me dearly. And when you hurt me badly you don't deserve to be let into my heart again. I gave you a chance and it was ruined. I don't ever want to go through that again.