I've looked over the crazy things I've done in life and it makes me laugh. Here is just a sampling of the things that I've done ...
~I slapped a man who went to prison for robbing Taco Bell with a BB Gun. He also likes to think of ways to torture people
~I worked as a dental assistant in a third world country
~I fell out of a tree, got stuck in a laundry chute, and thought I could fly by being pushed out of a tree in a box - all by the age of 5
~I have survived 4 semesters of college and have been on the deans list or higher 3 of the 4
~I have given birth to a beautiful baby boy
~I found, and lost, and amazing love
~I taped football games for 2 semesters and basketball games for 1 and was one of the only female who knew what I was doing with football right off the bat
~I have kept friendships through good and bad and all the struggles that accompany both
~Putting a pool in in the backyard of my parents house
I know that isn't an impressive list for most people to see when I look back at it. But all of the things listed above bring back memories for me or make me smile. Yes, even being gullible enough to think I could fly.
It's amazing all the cool things I've done - and I owe it to Tiny for helping me realize that
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
There is that feeling you get - the one in the pit of your stomach that tells you you've either eaten too many nachos or you've got butterflies inhabiting your innards. Where does it come from? And why does it seem to show up at the time you most want it to disappear?
Lately I've been noticing my mind wandering. I keep it fenced it so it doesn't wander too far but I don't know what I'm thinking about. Okay, I take that back. I know what I'm thinking but I don't want to discuss that with anyone. There are too many reprocussions if things get out of hand and I don't want that to happen to anyone ... especially in this situation.
This is really cryptic and pretty boring and awful to read I'm sure, but its how I feel and I have to get it out somewhere. The people I can normally talk to are the ones who are affected by where my mind is wandering and I don't want to drag them in any more than I have already. It doesn't make the thoughts any easier, it just helps me to know that I have to be able to deal with them on my own.
It really has been a pretty awful day - it poured outside and I thought I was looking in the mirror. I spent most of it in tears or upset about one thing or another - but none of it is going to matter when I die so I don't know why I'm making such a big fuss over it. Okay, yeah I do but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
And then I had a dream last night that really caught me off guard. I woke up smiling, but then when I put two and two together and realized what it all meant I started to go off into my own little world and my mind wandered. And from there I couldn't concentrate on anything. You see, this dream was something I want so desperately - but am so afraid I'm not going to get that it scares me to think about. I don't want my desperation to get in the way of how things are meant to be and the plan that is laid out before me. But then I wonder if there actually is a plan for me and I get myself into even more trouble because I've just come back full circle to the desperation of the thing I want. And then, like now, I try to put my thoughts and feelings onto paper without completely giving myself away and I end up talking in riddles and not making much sense.
I guess above all else the thing I want is happiness. My friends and my family make me happy but not the kind of everlasting happiness I crave. There are those who tell me "look to God, he'll grant you the happiness you long for." But look where that has gotten me so far - heartbroken, single, feeling worthless. And who knows if he's even there? I used to have faith that could move mountains or part seas. I honestly don't know what happened - but now things are difficult and I'm not one to boast about my faith because I don't have much of it anymore. I guess when your whole life looks as if it is going to come down around you your outlook on life changes. And I think thats what happened here. My life fell apart, and with it my spirit.
It's probably a bad thing when you get up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and think "why do you even bother getting up?" And then the baby is crying and there is no one to help you take care of him because those who normally do have things THEY have to do today. But after he eats and burps, he sits up, looks you in the eyes and smiles and things get better. And thats the reason you know you got out of bed. To see that smile, and the love in those little brown eyes that just shine as though God has placed the stars behind each one.
And now after the complete turnaround in topics and random stuff I just wrote about, here is a line for you to remember through the day ...
Miss Tiny: I'm driving home at 50 mph on a stinking donut
Beethia: Haha, bet the cops love you!!! Mmm ... donuts!
Lately I've been noticing my mind wandering. I keep it fenced it so it doesn't wander too far but I don't know what I'm thinking about. Okay, I take that back. I know what I'm thinking but I don't want to discuss that with anyone. There are too many reprocussions if things get out of hand and I don't want that to happen to anyone ... especially in this situation.
This is really cryptic and pretty boring and awful to read I'm sure, but its how I feel and I have to get it out somewhere. The people I can normally talk to are the ones who are affected by where my mind is wandering and I don't want to drag them in any more than I have already. It doesn't make the thoughts any easier, it just helps me to know that I have to be able to deal with them on my own.
It really has been a pretty awful day - it poured outside and I thought I was looking in the mirror. I spent most of it in tears or upset about one thing or another - but none of it is going to matter when I die so I don't know why I'm making such a big fuss over it. Okay, yeah I do but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
And then I had a dream last night that really caught me off guard. I woke up smiling, but then when I put two and two together and realized what it all meant I started to go off into my own little world and my mind wandered. And from there I couldn't concentrate on anything. You see, this dream was something I want so desperately - but am so afraid I'm not going to get that it scares me to think about. I don't want my desperation to get in the way of how things are meant to be and the plan that is laid out before me. But then I wonder if there actually is a plan for me and I get myself into even more trouble because I've just come back full circle to the desperation of the thing I want. And then, like now, I try to put my thoughts and feelings onto paper without completely giving myself away and I end up talking in riddles and not making much sense.
I guess above all else the thing I want is happiness. My friends and my family make me happy but not the kind of everlasting happiness I crave. There are those who tell me "look to God, he'll grant you the happiness you long for." But look where that has gotten me so far - heartbroken, single, feeling worthless. And who knows if he's even there? I used to have faith that could move mountains or part seas. I honestly don't know what happened - but now things are difficult and I'm not one to boast about my faith because I don't have much of it anymore. I guess when your whole life looks as if it is going to come down around you your outlook on life changes. And I think thats what happened here. My life fell apart, and with it my spirit.
It's probably a bad thing when you get up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and think "why do you even bother getting up?" And then the baby is crying and there is no one to help you take care of him because those who normally do have things THEY have to do today. But after he eats and burps, he sits up, looks you in the eyes and smiles and things get better. And thats the reason you know you got out of bed. To see that smile, and the love in those little brown eyes that just shine as though God has placed the stars behind each one.
And now after the complete turnaround in topics and random stuff I just wrote about, here is a line for you to remember through the day ...
Miss Tiny: I'm driving home at 50 mph on a stinking donut
Beethia: Haha, bet the cops love you!!! Mmm ... donuts!
Monday, July 24, 2006
You've gotta read it to believe it
So it's time for a grammar lesson. I'm tired of trying to decipher writings of people and comments as though they are some ancient egyptian script written on a cave. Here it goes ...
*U is a letter in the alphabet not a word. The correct spelling is YOU.
*UR is a place in the Bible - Abram and Lot traveled there. YOUR is the correct word there.
*YOUR is posessive - it does not mean you are. That would be YOU'RE.
*N is also a letter in the alphabet. The only place to use this would be in a place name ie Shop-n-Save. AND would be used there.
*BCUZ - also known as BECAUSE.
*KNO - Laziness took over with this one - there is one letter more on the word to try and spell it. Come on ... KNOW!
*SUM1 - numbers and letters should not be used in the same word. Email addresses are the only exceptions to this and there are so many people with email sometimes you HAVE to have numbers and letters combined. This would actually be SOMEONE
*DIFF is a mathematical term. It means the difference between numbers. DIFFERENT and difference are two seperate things.
*Speaking of different - R is an alphabetical letter, while ARE is a word.
*W/E is only to be used while taking shorthand notes. A keyboard has all the letters of the alphabet and if you have a fast enough word per minute and minimal errors, you can type as someone talks to you. WHATEVER is the word of the day on this one ...
*Puncuation is only to be used at the end of the sentence. There is no. need to put. a period after every. few words in. the. sentence. It is just distracting and there is NO call for it!
I think that is all for today. I'm not going to be an english teacher but laziness has become the norm and I am going to do my best to combat that.
SOME PEOPLE'S KIDS!
*U is a letter in the alphabet not a word. The correct spelling is YOU.
*UR is a place in the Bible - Abram and Lot traveled there. YOUR is the correct word there.
*YOUR is posessive - it does not mean you are. That would be YOU'RE.
*N is also a letter in the alphabet. The only place to use this would be in a place name ie Shop-n-Save. AND would be used there.
*BCUZ - also known as BECAUSE.
*KNO - Laziness took over with this one - there is one letter more on the word to try and spell it. Come on ... KNOW!
*SUM1 - numbers and letters should not be used in the same word. Email addresses are the only exceptions to this and there are so many people with email sometimes you HAVE to have numbers and letters combined. This would actually be SOMEONE
*DIFF is a mathematical term. It means the difference between numbers. DIFFERENT and difference are two seperate things.
*Speaking of different - R is an alphabetical letter, while ARE is a word.
*W/E is only to be used while taking shorthand notes. A keyboard has all the letters of the alphabet and if you have a fast enough word per minute and minimal errors, you can type as someone talks to you. WHATEVER is the word of the day on this one ...
*Puncuation is only to be used at the end of the sentence. There is no. need to put. a period after every. few words in. the. sentence. It is just distracting and there is NO call for it!
I think that is all for today. I'm not going to be an english teacher but laziness has become the norm and I am going to do my best to combat that.
SOME PEOPLE'S KIDS!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
The greatest thing you'll ever learn
So, I figure its time for me to actually write a blog that has some sort of meaning to it. Most of the time the things I write are nothing but ramblings that don't matter here or there. But it's time to write something that really can be understood.
I feel like I should break out into the song "Nature Boy" especially the last line of the chorus.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn ... is just to love ... and be loved in return."
No, I'm not in love. No, I'm not in a relationship. But those are words that mean a lot to me. I've spent a lot of time recently beating myself up because I wish I could go back and redo some things in my life. I wish I could have seen where my life would be right now ... but then I would be one person less. In some ways I wish I could erase the last three years of my life - all of the troubles I caused, all of the pain I felt and all of the issues that have arisen because of it. But if I were to do that I would lose the most important thing I have in this world - my son. And while I wish things were different in some circles, I can't change the past.
I've heard somewhere that I'm cruel, and that I've changed and I don't know what made me the way I am and how I've become. I may have changed - but only back into what I was before all of this happened. I'm sure one of you who reads this knows who says those thing about me. I know you're her best friend. But that doesn't matter anymore. I'm not out to insult - I'm just out to state the facts. I was going to be a reporter and with that job comes the responsibility of reporting the truth. So you want the truth?
Go ahead and badmouth me - go ahead and try to make me feel awful with the things you write. You got yourselves into the position you're in and I tried to help you out. Learn from this - treat others nicely and don't yell at them all the time and maybe, just maybe, you'll get farther next time. The things you say have no effect on me at all. I laugh when you write because you're making yourselves angry and anger only hurts you.
And if you're going to comment on this and you don't have an account - be balsy and leave your name instead of being a wimp.
I feel like I should break out into the song "Nature Boy" especially the last line of the chorus.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn ... is just to love ... and be loved in return."
No, I'm not in love. No, I'm not in a relationship. But those are words that mean a lot to me. I've spent a lot of time recently beating myself up because I wish I could go back and redo some things in my life. I wish I could have seen where my life would be right now ... but then I would be one person less. In some ways I wish I could erase the last three years of my life - all of the troubles I caused, all of the pain I felt and all of the issues that have arisen because of it. But if I were to do that I would lose the most important thing I have in this world - my son. And while I wish things were different in some circles, I can't change the past.
I've heard somewhere that I'm cruel, and that I've changed and I don't know what made me the way I am and how I've become. I may have changed - but only back into what I was before all of this happened. I'm sure one of you who reads this knows who says those thing about me. I know you're her best friend. But that doesn't matter anymore. I'm not out to insult - I'm just out to state the facts. I was going to be a reporter and with that job comes the responsibility of reporting the truth. So you want the truth?
Go ahead and badmouth me - go ahead and try to make me feel awful with the things you write. You got yourselves into the position you're in and I tried to help you out. Learn from this - treat others nicely and don't yell at them all the time and maybe, just maybe, you'll get farther next time. The things you say have no effect on me at all. I laugh when you write because you're making yourselves angry and anger only hurts you.
And if you're going to comment on this and you don't have an account - be balsy and leave your name instead of being a wimp.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Life
Life works in mysterious ways - one minute you're headed down the road of life and the next you're on your butt waiting for the dust to clear.
Will life ever seem to work out fairly? I don't think justice will ever prevail. It's days like this one that make me want to just throw in the towel and find something else for me.
But I can't do that. I just can't.
Will life ever seem to work out fairly? I don't think justice will ever prevail. It's days like this one that make me want to just throw in the towel and find something else for me.
But I can't do that. I just can't.
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