There is that feeling you get - the one in the pit of your stomach that tells you you've either eaten too many nachos or you've got butterflies inhabiting your innards. Where does it come from? And why does it seem to show up at the time you most want it to disappear?

Lately I've been noticing my mind wandering. I keep it fenced it so it doesn't wander too far but I don't know what I'm thinking about. Okay, I take that back. I know what I'm thinking but I don't want to discuss that with anyone. There are too many reprocussions if things get out of hand and I don't want that to happen to anyone ... especially in this situation.

This is really cryptic and pretty boring and awful to read I'm sure, but its how I feel and I have to get it out somewhere. The people I can normally talk to are the ones who are affected by where my mind is wandering and I don't want to drag them in any more than I have already. It doesn't make the thoughts any easier, it just helps me to know that I have to be able to deal with them on my own.

It really has been a pretty awful day - it poured outside and I thought I was looking in the mirror. I spent most of it in tears or upset about one thing or another - but none of it is going to matter when I die so I don't know why I'm making such a big fuss over it. Okay, yeah I do but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

And then I had a dream last night that really caught me off guard. I woke up smiling, but then when I put two and two together and realized what it all meant I started to go off into my own little world and my mind wandered. And from there I couldn't concentrate on anything. You see, this dream was something I want so desperately - but am so afraid I'm not going to get that it scares me to think about. I don't want my desperation to get in the way of how things are meant to be and the plan that is laid out before me. But then I wonder if there actually is a plan for me and I get myself into even more trouble because I've just come back full circle to the desperation of the thing I want. And then, like now, I try to put my thoughts and feelings onto paper without completely giving myself away and I end up talking in riddles and not making much sense.

I guess above all else the thing I want is happiness. My friends and my family make me happy but not the kind of everlasting happiness I crave. There are those who tell me "look to God, he'll grant you the happiness you long for." But look where that has gotten me so far - heartbroken, single, feeling worthless. And who knows if he's even there? I used to have faith that could move mountains or part seas. I honestly don't know what happened - but now things are difficult and I'm not one to boast about my faith because I don't have much of it anymore. I guess when your whole life looks as if it is going to come down around you your outlook on life changes. And I think thats what happened here. My life fell apart, and with it my spirit.

It's probably a bad thing when you get up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and think "why do you even bother getting up?" And then the baby is crying and there is no one to help you take care of him because those who normally do have things THEY have to do today. But after he eats and burps, he sits up, looks you in the eyes and smiles and things get better. And thats the reason you know you got out of bed. To see that smile, and the love in those little brown eyes that just shine as though God has placed the stars behind each one.

And now after the complete turnaround in topics and random stuff I just wrote about, here is a line for you to remember through the day ...

Miss Tiny: I'm driving home at 50 mph on a stinking donut
Beethia: Haha, bet the cops love you!!! Mmm ... donuts!