Late nights and weary minds

Well now, it has been quite a long time since I've written.  I cannot honestly say that many things have changed, except for the fact that my summer job is finally over.  Now I can fully concentrate on classes and raising my son.  

Classes are going alright - only one of them is a communication class toward my major, so thats kind of a bummer.  I am in a business statistcs class where all the examples are from the financial sector (gag me!) and an organizational behavior class that is quite interesting.  As well I am taking introduciton to theatre, a class that is entertaining but quite time consuming.  

I was so excited a few weeks ago - I am in a community production of the Sound of Music.  I actually have  a part!  I am Sister Margaretta, and it is so much fun.  I was involved in musicals in high school, and I have been acting for as long as I can remember.  It is really exciting to have my first real part with people whom I adore so much involved as well.

The other big project I have going on is crocheting.  Haha that makes me sound like a little old lady.  I am making a blanket for my son.  He is going to grow out of his toddler bed soemday and I am making a blanket to fit the next bed.  I started an afghan in 2005 and it was really pretty pastel colors.   It never failed though, every time I worked on it I got a massive headache and was unable to work.  So I decided to rip the thing out and create a whole new creation.  The only downside is that i have to crochet 1800 or more hexagons and then sew them all together.  But I guess that will give me soemthing to do when the weather gets cold =) .  I'm about a third of the way through making the hexagons and now I've finally started sewing it together.  And boy does it look nice!

It is not exceedingly late, but I am at my wits end.  Down time is something I lack greatly, and enough sleep is hard to come by.  My son is asleep, I have a weekend in which to do my homework, and I am going to see my brother tomorrow.  I am headed to bed to dream sweet dreams about the man of my dreams.  


But will he ever realize I'm dreaming of him???

The beginning of another year

School started two weeks ago.  I cannot believe I have finally made it to my senior year!  This semester seems as though it is going to be on the easy side ... as long as I keep up with my work and read what I need to.  I don't think I'll have an issue with it, however one never knows what will transpire in the next few months. I talked to my advisor on Friday and I think I have an internship set up for next semester!  Woo hoo!  That means that I will have some practical experience to go into the workforce with.  This won't be the average internship, but I might keep a running log of the fun things I get to do on here.  We shall see how my time progresses.

In other news, I read a great book series recently.  It was "The First Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever," and "The Second Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever."  As I'm sure you can figure out, they are somewhat related.  I have to admit though, the first book in the first chronicles took a lot of time to get through.  I had to slog through a lot of background information to get to the action.  But once I got there, the books were great!

I have also recently decided that I am going to take a trip to Lake Forest, Illinois sometime.  Jim Lovell (Apollo 13 commander and man with the most hours in space aside from those who have stayed on the international space station) has a restaurant up there.  He is one of the men I look up to most.  I have read his book, Lost Moon, and the things he dealt with to get into the space program amaze me.  As well his life story is one of interest.  It could be that I am just interested because someday I'm going to go into space.  That was always my goal as a little girl, but somehow that fell to the wayside.

Well, the little guy is asleep and it is time for me to retire for the night as well.  I have most of my homework done for the week so I should rest up now.

To all of you who read this, whether it is purely by accident or on purpose, God Bless you.  I hope you have a wonderful day!

It's just one of those moments

So it's way too late for me to be up tonight, but I still am awake.  I'm watching Apollo 13.  It is one of my all time favorite movies ... actually, one of my all time favorite historical moments ever.  The story of the crew and the struggles they went through, and all of the people who came together to get them back home is a tribute to the human race and the way we feel for those who are in trouble.
Anyway, I just finished the movie, and I feel pathetic.  Every time I watch the movie I cry at the end.  I cry when everyone is waiting for the shuttle to reply to the calls from mission control.  I cry when they finally arrive safely in the water.  I cry when I listen to Tom Hanks give his speech at the end.
I've read the book, I've seen the movie, and the story still amazes me.  I can't seem to get over all of the struggles those men faced, and the ways that they overcame those struggles.  

It's just one of those feel good moments when I think that maybe the human race isn't as hopeless as it seems some days.

Rainstorms

So for anyone living in the area surrounding me, we got hit was a massive rainstorm at about 4:00 today.  My brother has a paper route and I was delivering them for him, and I was in the rain.  
I have to say, it was completely exhalirating to be in the rain while it was storming, getting soaking wet, singing at the top of my lungs.  I had my MP3 player in and I was jamming to the soundtrack from Wicked.  Specifically the song Defying Gravity.  I think it struck me as very ironic because I'm finally starting to learn to just take life as it comes and that I CAN fly, in whatever I do, no matter what others think of me.  So I want to end with part of they lyrics that hit home today ...

So if you care to find me
look to the Western Sky
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves a chance to fly
and if I'm flying solo
at least I'm flying free
to those who'd ground me
take a message back from me
tell them how I'm defying gravity
kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
and you can't pull me down.

what makes a man?

I had this question posed to me the other day:

What do you think makes a man?
Do you believe it's a physical change?
A spiritual enlightening?
An emotional maturity?

I thought about it long and hard and I came up with an answer.  

I believe that becoming a man takes all of those things combined.  Without the physical change the boy will not have the strength to become the man who takes care of things around the house or around the workplace.

It takes a spiritual enlightening for the boy to realize that he is not he creator, nor does he have the ability to make things happen any other way than they are supposed to.  The spiritual enlightening brings a boy to the stage where he can ask for help from someone else and he is not afraid to show his emotions.

As well it takes an emotional maturity coupled with the other two.  The maturity only come when the boy realized that just because he shows emotions he is no less of a man.  There is no harm in a man crying at a happy occasion, when he is sad, or with someone when he cannont change something.

So in closing, I believe it takes all three of those things to truly become a man.  Now, with that being said, there are those who just dont' have the physical capabilities because of disease or birth defect, or something .. however htey too grow physically, just not to the extent of other men.   That doesn't make them any less of a man.  Just different.  And it takes all kinds of men to make the world work.

Because I knew you

I've  heard it said
That people come into our lives
for a reason
bringing something we must learn
and we are led
to those who help us most to grow
if we let them
and we help them in return
well I dont know if I believe thats true
but I know I'm who I am today
because I knew you .....

I am only 22 and yet I feel like my life has already been lived.  I feel like I'm never going to get out of the rut that I'm in.  I want to find someone to love, someone ot be with.  I want to know that someday I'm going to wake up and see the love of my life beside me, smiling back at me, or holding me close.

Okay, so I started this post yesterday when I was in a really dark place.  Today I feel better.  I feel as though I am punishing myself for something that I can't go back and change.  I've taken responsibility for my actions and I have repented from them and faced the consequences.  Now why can't I forgive myself?  And the other thing that bothers me - why can't I totally forgive the other party?

Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, because in forgetting you are giving the other party the opportunity to hurt you again.  But forgiving is so much healthier.  Forgiving means that you have totally taken the right of the other person to make you feel bad and crushed it against a stone or something.  Forgiveness means that the person who hurt you no longer has control over your emotions because you don't let them.  

I have a long way to go to make myself a new whole woman again, but I think this is the start of an interesting journey.  Hopefully I will come out in the end as a stronger, more caring woman.  I hope these changes will help me to grow in ways I've only dreamed of growing.

Irritations

There are so many things that irritiate me lately.  My best friend tries to be helpful, but instead says the wrong thing and irritates me.  And when I try to politely tell him to buzz off he gets irritated with me and then he won't talk to me again.

I'm irritated that I still have a year of school left.  I want so badly to be done so that I can go out and start my life.  I have heard it said that there is a point in schooling when someone says "it is time to be done!"  and I am at that point.  I didn't feel that way after high school - I was excited to get into the thick of college and get on with my life.  Well, that didn't happen exactly as I had planned.  I turned into a single mother still going to school and still living with my parents.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I don't know how I could do this without them, but at the same time I am so tired of depending on them for what feels like everything.

I have spent weeks this summer digging up the return lines for our pool and we FINALLY have it fixed.  After 2nd degree burns on my back, countless hours wallowing in mud and clay, massive amounts of dirt and yuck, and it is finally done.  And now I can't swim.  It is 90 degreees outside and I can't get into my pool because there are other people using it.  

I don't feel like i have accomplished anything this summer.  I have a job, I have a child, I live with my folks and I don't feel like I've done anything.  Dad asked me to help him with a website and I haven't had the resources to do it ... and I just looked at it and he tried to do it and it's just not quite up to the standards it needs to be.  I love my father but he has no idea how to make things readable and the pictures are too big.  So that is yet another thing that I haven't accomplished in my short summer vacation.

I feel like a failure at everything I do.  It would be nice if for once I could feel like I do something well.

Wow

Wow ... so it's been an extremely long time since I've posted anything on here.  I dont' exactly know what I'm doing on here ... but I felt this sudden urge to actually write something.  It has been so long ... I am supposed to be a grown up but right now I feel like an adolescent girl writing in a diary.  I can't believe it.  Hey, soon I'm going to be done with school, and then I'll actually be able to go out into the real world and make a name for myself.

I've been trying to write, but lately I've had a hard time getting motivated.  I dont' know whats up with me .. but I seem to have no energy at all.  I get dizzy when I lean over and I have a headache most of the time when I'm awake.  Thats weird, because I had those same symptoms when I was pregnanat.  And let me tell you ... there is absolutely NO way I can be pregnant right now.  It's just not physically possible.  So I'm not sure whats going on but I'm kind of worried.  Maybe I should suck it up and go to the doctor and get myself checked out.  If it is a brain tumor or something its' best that it's caught early ... right?

I'm browsing facebook bumper stickers and they make me laugh a lot.  I love facebook .. it makes me feel connected to those whom I never see anymore.  The internet is amazing.  I can't imagine not having it ... but I remember a time when I didn't have the internet and I didn't have a cell phone, and all I had to do to keep myself busy was read or play cards or do something with the family.  Sometimes I miss those times.  It was nice to have time to myself when I didn't ahve to worry about being in contact with everyone in my life every minute of every day.  But I would miss not being able to talk to my best friend late at night without talking so as not to wake my small child.  I would miss looking at her facebook and posting dumb bumper stickers that make no sense to anyone but us ... especially ones that deal with cats or sausage.

Okay, that is enough rambling for tonight.  Maybe next tiem I get on here I will have something of worth to say.  

avril

I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head

I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

It don't do me any good it's just a waste of time
What use is it to you what's on my mind?
If it ain't comin' out, we're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care?

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

If I could say what I wanna say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I wanna see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

(What is)What's wrong with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away
I stutter I stumble like I've got nothing to say

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

[Verbal Acoustics]

I guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away......

These things I'll never say

No, this does not relate to James

I thought you'd be out of my mind
And I'd finally found a way to
Learn to live without you
I thought it was just a matter of time
Til I had a hundred reasons
Not to think about you

But it's just not so
And after all this time
I still can't let go

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby
I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of my fingertips
Is love so deep inside of me

I was trying everything that I can
To get my heart to forget you
But it just can't seem to
I guess it's just no use
In every part of me
Is still a part of you

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby
I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of my fingertips
Is love so deep inside of me

Something in your eyes keeps haunting me
I'm trying to escape you
And I knwo there ain't no way to
To chase you from my mind


"Painted on my heart" by The Cult

Death

For a class, I had to write my own obituary. That was difficult for a couple of reasons.
1) I don' t like to think about dying. There are too many amazing things in my life to give it all up for death. There are too many amazing people I'd leave behind that I would miss greatly. I wouldn't get to see my son grow up, and I would miss out on a lot of thing with him.
2)It made me re-think everything I'm doing. Like, is it worth it to do musicals when I could be helping someone out? What kind of mark am I going to leave for the world when I'm gone.

Two dear friends gave me great quotes. I almost have to put them here just to remind myself that I really have made a difference in the 21 years on this earth. Personanlly, I believe I do everything I can to make a difference and enjoy my life. But then I step back and ask "is that enough?"

Tiny said "She has brought laughter, been there through the tears, and always made me glad to be who I am. She made me realize that we each have something unique to offer the world.”

Sarah said "Sometimes, when someone passes away, all that seems to be said about them are the age old clichés. But I want to catch the joy, liveliness, and love Tabitha brought to all the people around her in her life.”

Do any of you in blogger land feel the same way? Please tell me who you are if its anonymous.

Love,
Tabitha

Another Day ...

Lately I've been obsessed with the soundtrack from Rent. I'm not quite sure why ... the music is really good, but there is nothing that strikes close to my life.

Don't get me wrong - I would love to play Mimi someday ... partly because her personality is so opposite mine. Well maybe not the personality, but how she chooses to show it and the life that she chooses to live.

Anyway, the past few months have been really hairy with school. It's been hard keeping everything organized - but I'm doing it! And that is an amazing attribution to the skills I learned in high school, and never thought I'd use. I never took a class to learn them ... they were just learned by all the stuff I had going on in school.

Now I'm juggling a full load of classes, musical rehearsals, the baby and his schedule, and housework. Not that I have a lot of housework to do, but it's hard to live in an area where things are just scattered around as though they'll fall at anytime you touch them. Oh well ... that's not a huge problem ... my room is slightly organized.

And now, because it is late, I need to go and finish the homework and get into bed so I can get up for classes tomorrow.

Night all!

Perspective

Two years ago I was sitting in my dorm room, fighting with my roommate who wouldn't talk to me, cramming for finals, and knowing exactly where I wanted to go with my life. I knew where I belonged, who I fit in with, and what I was going to do.

A year and a half ago I was desperately trying to hold onto someone who was leaving and who I loved very much. I was ending up my first year of college and enjoying all of the things I would be coming back to the next year. Yet I still knew exactly where I was going.

A year ago my world fell apart. Everything I thought I wanted, everything I thought I knew fell out from under me and I was staring down the barrel of a loaded gun ready to fire at any point and time to take me away from what I knew.

Six months ago I thought there was still hope to follow the path I wanted to follow. I was worn out, living at home and feeling confined, but I thought I could find hope.

Today I fell worn out, exhausted, burnt out, and as though I don't matter. I know there are people out there who I matter very much to, but for all their support and help and kindness I feel so alone still.

And I'm jealous of someone who doesn't deserve my time or my energy worrying about. He has the freedom I crave - and for that I wish I could forever be damned. I love my child and I wouldn't trade him for ANYTHING. I just wish the other half of the equation could deal with the late-night feedings and the screaming and the massively dirty diapers. But someday he will have another child - I don't know when ... but then he will deal with all of those things and fell what I feel. And I won't care what he goes through - it's not worth my time or my energy.

Life goes on

You've got to get up in the morning, go on with the day. And someday things will stop seeming so tedious and you'll realize that they worked out just as they were supposed to.

Someday

Turn signals

Today's discussion is on turn signals.

WHY DON'T PEOPLE USE THEIR TURN SIGNALS???

They come standard with cars. They are required to be used by law, and you can get a ticket if you don't use a turn signal. And yet ....

They turn in front of you, speeding and you have no knowledge they are going to turn. The cars careen out of control in front of you on a highway and you don't know whats happening - until they switch lanes.

Oh yes - I LOVE the way people drive without their turnsignals.




I'm going to put a sign on my car - TURN SIGNALS COME STANDARD MORON!

Do they have radios in Heaven?

"Radios In Heaven"

- Plain White Tees -

Your time has already come and I don't know why

The last thing that I had heard

you were doin' just fine

It seems like just yesterday

I was laughing with you

Playing games at Grandma's house

well you taught me well, didn't you?

I hope I'm just like you

Do they have radios in heaven?

I hope they do

'Cause they're playing my song on the radio

And I'm singing it to you

You left before I had a chance to say goodbye

But that's the way life usually is

it just passes you by

But you can't hold on to regrets and you can't look back

So I'll just be thankful for the times that I had with you

I hope I'm just like you

Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do

'Cause they're playing my song on the radio

And I'm singing it to you

If they don't have radios in heaven

here's what I'll do

I can bring my guitar when my time is up and I'll play it for you

Tell me can you hear me now

if not, then I can try to sing real loud

What's it like up on the other side of the clouds?

I hope I'm just like you

I hope I turn out to be as good as you

Goodbyes

Hmm ... I never knew a goodbye could be misinterpreted. Gosh - I guess just about anything you say nowadays can be taken a wrong way.

It's just too bad I didn't know how to say it so it woulnd't be taken the wrong way.

It's terribly sad watching a piece of the past WALK away forever ... and realizing that there is nothing I can do to change what happened.

It wasn't totally my doing - it wasn't totally his doing. It seems as though the forces of the world worked against us in the situation.

I don't know if you read this anymore, I don't know if you even care - but Be safe over there - I'm still proud of you for being a soldier.

The struggles make you stronger

And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way
of taking its sweet time
Life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful,
But it's a beautiful ride


NO MATTER THE STRUGGLES,
NO MATTER THE PAIN,
LOOK UP AT THE SKY
YOU'LL SEE THROUGH THE RAIN
WITH FRIENDS BY YOUR SIDE
AND FAMILY CLOSE
THINGS WILL TURN OUT
WHEN YOU NEED IT MOST

Just because someone doesn't love you as you want

I'm sitting here supposedly reading material for my classes and I thought back to a comment on a previous entry.

"just because someone doesnt love you the way you want doesnt mean they dont love you with all that they have and all that they are"

Wow ... it's amazing how true those words are! There are people who throw themselves into every relationship they are in - family, friends, work, boyfriend/girlfriend - and they succeed in letting everyone know how much they are loved.

Then there are those who stay on the sidelines and love people but don't know how to tell them - but when they do the the courage or the appropriate way, watch out because you're hooked for life.

I guess the quote made me feel kind of silly. I don't want someone to love me just because I love them or have feelings for them - I want them to love me for me. And if that just means sitting on the sidelines until the time comes where they feel comfortable expressing even friendly love - so be it.