Perspective

Two years ago I was sitting in my dorm room, fighting with my roommate who wouldn't talk to me, cramming for finals, and knowing exactly where I wanted to go with my life. I knew where I belonged, who I fit in with, and what I was going to do.

A year and a half ago I was desperately trying to hold onto someone who was leaving and who I loved very much. I was ending up my first year of college and enjoying all of the things I would be coming back to the next year. Yet I still knew exactly where I was going.

A year ago my world fell apart. Everything I thought I wanted, everything I thought I knew fell out from under me and I was staring down the barrel of a loaded gun ready to fire at any point and time to take me away from what I knew.

Six months ago I thought there was still hope to follow the path I wanted to follow. I was worn out, living at home and feeling confined, but I thought I could find hope.

Today I fell worn out, exhausted, burnt out, and as though I don't matter. I know there are people out there who I matter very much to, but for all their support and help and kindness I feel so alone still.

And I'm jealous of someone who doesn't deserve my time or my energy worrying about. He has the freedom I crave - and for that I wish I could forever be damned. I love my child and I wouldn't trade him for ANYTHING. I just wish the other half of the equation could deal with the late-night feedings and the screaming and the massively dirty diapers. But someday he will have another child - I don't know when ... but then he will deal with all of those things and fell what I feel. And I won't care what he goes through - it's not worth my time or my energy.

Life goes on

You've got to get up in the morning, go on with the day. And someday things will stop seeming so tedious and you'll realize that they worked out just as they were supposed to.

Someday

Turn signals

Today's discussion is on turn signals.

WHY DON'T PEOPLE USE THEIR TURN SIGNALS???

They come standard with cars. They are required to be used by law, and you can get a ticket if you don't use a turn signal. And yet ....

They turn in front of you, speeding and you have no knowledge they are going to turn. The cars careen out of control in front of you on a highway and you don't know whats happening - until they switch lanes.

Oh yes - I LOVE the way people drive without their turnsignals.




I'm going to put a sign on my car - TURN SIGNALS COME STANDARD MORON!

Do they have radios in Heaven?

"Radios In Heaven"

- Plain White Tees -

Your time has already come and I don't know why

The last thing that I had heard

you were doin' just fine

It seems like just yesterday

I was laughing with you

Playing games at Grandma's house

well you taught me well, didn't you?

I hope I'm just like you

Do they have radios in heaven?

I hope they do

'Cause they're playing my song on the radio

And I'm singing it to you

You left before I had a chance to say goodbye

But that's the way life usually is

it just passes you by

But you can't hold on to regrets and you can't look back

So I'll just be thankful for the times that I had with you

I hope I'm just like you

Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do

'Cause they're playing my song on the radio

And I'm singing it to you

If they don't have radios in heaven

here's what I'll do

I can bring my guitar when my time is up and I'll play it for you

Tell me can you hear me now

if not, then I can try to sing real loud

What's it like up on the other side of the clouds?

I hope I'm just like you

I hope I turn out to be as good as you

Goodbyes

Hmm ... I never knew a goodbye could be misinterpreted. Gosh - I guess just about anything you say nowadays can be taken a wrong way.

It's just too bad I didn't know how to say it so it woulnd't be taken the wrong way.

It's terribly sad watching a piece of the past WALK away forever ... and realizing that there is nothing I can do to change what happened.

It wasn't totally my doing - it wasn't totally his doing. It seems as though the forces of the world worked against us in the situation.

I don't know if you read this anymore, I don't know if you even care - but Be safe over there - I'm still proud of you for being a soldier.

The struggles make you stronger

And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way
of taking its sweet time
Life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful,
But it's a beautiful ride


NO MATTER THE STRUGGLES,
NO MATTER THE PAIN,
LOOK UP AT THE SKY
YOU'LL SEE THROUGH THE RAIN
WITH FRIENDS BY YOUR SIDE
AND FAMILY CLOSE
THINGS WILL TURN OUT
WHEN YOU NEED IT MOST

Just because someone doesn't love you as you want

I'm sitting here supposedly reading material for my classes and I thought back to a comment on a previous entry.

"just because someone doesnt love you the way you want doesnt mean they dont love you with all that they have and all that they are"

Wow ... it's amazing how true those words are! There are people who throw themselves into every relationship they are in - family, friends, work, boyfriend/girlfriend - and they succeed in letting everyone know how much they are loved.

Then there are those who stay on the sidelines and love people but don't know how to tell them - but when they do the the courage or the appropriate way, watch out because you're hooked for life.

I guess the quote made me feel kind of silly. I don't want someone to love me just because I love them or have feelings for them - I want them to love me for me. And if that just means sitting on the sidelines until the time comes where they feel comfortable expressing even friendly love - so be it.

Every light in the house is on
Just in case you ever do get tired of bein gone
Every light in the house is on










I miss you grandpap

And boom ...

You're all grown up. In some ways, I'm very glad where I am. But thinking back, I sometimes wish I was still in 5th grade.

Granted, I was a dork back then. I didn't dress in the 'cool' clothes, I didn't have the 'cool' friends, and I had glasses. But back then, I was the girl trying to get through school, trying to get straight A marks, and hoping that someday I would grow out of my awkward, gangly stage and find someone to love me. The only thing I really worried about was my next test and who would be home to play with after school.

So maybe the only thing that actually has changed is the fact that I'm no longer in 5th grade, and my worries are a whole lot more intense. Granted, I don't wear the same terrible pants, or the same awful shirts, but I don't go out and buy something just because it is in style either. I guess everything else fits though - I'm still trying to get through school with the highest marks, hoping to get out of this awkward stage and find someone to love me. I think I'm going to need a miracle for some of those things to happen.

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fear
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see the way clear through the rain
A small but resilient voice
Says hope is very near

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles, you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

Well now ...

So I guess it's time I started to take my own advice.

I was talking to a dear friend of mine today, and she just went through a break-up. He was begging her to get back together but she didn't know what she wanted. So I told her this:

Write down a list of everything you want to do in your life. It can be anything - no matter how small, or how crazy it sounds. If you want to do it someday, write in on your list. Then go and write a list of all the things you want in a guy. Make sure this list isn't tailored so someone specific, just make it as if you have met the perfect guy with no flaws whatsoever. Then, after you have accomplished both of those tasks, look at the guy you broke up with and see what he fits with. If he fits 50% or more of the things on both lists, start back from the beginning. If he doesn't fit 50%, he isn't what you need in a man and he isn't worth the time or the trouble right now. He could change, but right now he isn't worth the trouble.

This is the point I go and bite my tongue because I haven't exactly taken my own advice. Why did I have to do that to myself???

Throughout my life ...

I've looked over the crazy things I've done in life and it makes me laugh. Here is just a sampling of the things that I've done ...

~I slapped a man who went to prison for robbing Taco Bell with a BB Gun. He also likes to think of ways to torture people
~I worked as a dental assistant in a third world country
~I fell out of a tree, got stuck in a laundry chute, and thought I could fly by being pushed out of a tree in a box - all by the age of 5
~I have survived 4 semesters of college and have been on the deans list or higher 3 of the 4
~I have given birth to a beautiful baby boy
~I found, and lost, and amazing love
~I taped football games for 2 semesters and basketball games for 1 and was one of the only female who knew what I was doing with football right off the bat
~I have kept friendships through good and bad and all the struggles that accompany both
~Putting a pool in in the backyard of my parents house

I know that isn't an impressive list for most people to see when I look back at it. But all of the things listed above bring back memories for me or make me smile. Yes, even being gullible enough to think I could fly.

It's amazing all the cool things I've done - and I owe it to Tiny for helping me realize that

There is that feeling you get - the one in the pit of your stomach that tells you you've either eaten too many nachos or you've got butterflies inhabiting your innards. Where does it come from? And why does it seem to show up at the time you most want it to disappear?

Lately I've been noticing my mind wandering. I keep it fenced it so it doesn't wander too far but I don't know what I'm thinking about. Okay, I take that back. I know what I'm thinking but I don't want to discuss that with anyone. There are too many reprocussions if things get out of hand and I don't want that to happen to anyone ... especially in this situation.

This is really cryptic and pretty boring and awful to read I'm sure, but its how I feel and I have to get it out somewhere. The people I can normally talk to are the ones who are affected by where my mind is wandering and I don't want to drag them in any more than I have already. It doesn't make the thoughts any easier, it just helps me to know that I have to be able to deal with them on my own.

It really has been a pretty awful day - it poured outside and I thought I was looking in the mirror. I spent most of it in tears or upset about one thing or another - but none of it is going to matter when I die so I don't know why I'm making such a big fuss over it. Okay, yeah I do but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

And then I had a dream last night that really caught me off guard. I woke up smiling, but then when I put two and two together and realized what it all meant I started to go off into my own little world and my mind wandered. And from there I couldn't concentrate on anything. You see, this dream was something I want so desperately - but am so afraid I'm not going to get that it scares me to think about. I don't want my desperation to get in the way of how things are meant to be and the plan that is laid out before me. But then I wonder if there actually is a plan for me and I get myself into even more trouble because I've just come back full circle to the desperation of the thing I want. And then, like now, I try to put my thoughts and feelings onto paper without completely giving myself away and I end up talking in riddles and not making much sense.

I guess above all else the thing I want is happiness. My friends and my family make me happy but not the kind of everlasting happiness I crave. There are those who tell me "look to God, he'll grant you the happiness you long for." But look where that has gotten me so far - heartbroken, single, feeling worthless. And who knows if he's even there? I used to have faith that could move mountains or part seas. I honestly don't know what happened - but now things are difficult and I'm not one to boast about my faith because I don't have much of it anymore. I guess when your whole life looks as if it is going to come down around you your outlook on life changes. And I think thats what happened here. My life fell apart, and with it my spirit.

It's probably a bad thing when you get up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and think "why do you even bother getting up?" And then the baby is crying and there is no one to help you take care of him because those who normally do have things THEY have to do today. But after he eats and burps, he sits up, looks you in the eyes and smiles and things get better. And thats the reason you know you got out of bed. To see that smile, and the love in those little brown eyes that just shine as though God has placed the stars behind each one.

And now after the complete turnaround in topics and random stuff I just wrote about, here is a line for you to remember through the day ...

Miss Tiny: I'm driving home at 50 mph on a stinking donut
Beethia: Haha, bet the cops love you!!! Mmm ... donuts!

You've gotta read it to believe it

So it's time for a grammar lesson. I'm tired of trying to decipher writings of people and comments as though they are some ancient egyptian script written on a cave. Here it goes ...

*U is a letter in the alphabet not a word. The correct spelling is YOU.
*UR is a place in the Bible - Abram and Lot traveled there. YOUR is the correct word there.
*YOUR is posessive - it does not mean you are. That would be YOU'RE.
*N is also a letter in the alphabet. The only place to use this would be in a place name ie Shop-n-Save. AND would be used there.
*BCUZ - also known as BECAUSE.
*KNO - Laziness took over with this one - there is one letter more on the word to try and spell it. Come on ... KNOW!
*SUM1 - numbers and letters should not be used in the same word. Email addresses are the only exceptions to this and there are so many people with email sometimes you HAVE to have numbers and letters combined. This would actually be SOMEONE
*DIFF is a mathematical term. It means the difference between numbers. DIFFERENT and difference are two seperate things.
*Speaking of different - R is an alphabetical letter, while ARE is a word.
*W/E is only to be used while taking shorthand notes. A keyboard has all the letters of the alphabet and if you have a fast enough word per minute and minimal errors, you can type as someone talks to you. WHATEVER is the word of the day on this one ...
*Puncuation is only to be used at the end of the sentence. There is no. need to put. a period after every. few words in. the. sentence. It is just distracting and there is NO call for it!

I think that is all for today. I'm not going to be an english teacher but laziness has become the norm and I am going to do my best to combat that.

SOME PEOPLE'S KIDS!

The greatest thing you'll ever learn

So, I figure its time for me to actually write a blog that has some sort of meaning to it. Most of the time the things I write are nothing but ramblings that don't matter here or there. But it's time to write something that really can be understood.

I feel like I should break out into the song "Nature Boy" especially the last line of the chorus.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn ... is just to love ... and be loved in return."

No, I'm not in love. No, I'm not in a relationship. But those are words that mean a lot to me. I've spent a lot of time recently beating myself up because I wish I could go back and redo some things in my life. I wish I could have seen where my life would be right now ... but then I would be one person less. In some ways I wish I could erase the last three years of my life - all of the troubles I caused, all of the pain I felt and all of the issues that have arisen because of it. But if I were to do that I would lose the most important thing I have in this world - my son. And while I wish things were different in some circles, I can't change the past.

I've heard somewhere that I'm cruel, and that I've changed and I don't know what made me the way I am and how I've become. I may have changed - but only back into what I was before all of this happened. I'm sure one of you who reads this knows who says those thing about me. I know you're her best friend. But that doesn't matter anymore. I'm not out to insult - I'm just out to state the facts. I was going to be a reporter and with that job comes the responsibility of reporting the truth. So you want the truth?

Go ahead and badmouth me - go ahead and try to make me feel awful with the things you write. You got yourselves into the position you're in and I tried to help you out. Learn from this - treat others nicely and don't yell at them all the time and maybe, just maybe, you'll get farther next time. The things you say have no effect on me at all. I laugh when you write because you're making yourselves angry and anger only hurts you.

And if you're going to comment on this and you don't have an account - be balsy and leave your name instead of being a wimp.

Life

Life works in mysterious ways - one minute you're headed down the road of life and the next you're on your butt waiting for the dust to clear.

Will life ever seem to work out fairly? I don't think justice will ever prevail. It's days like this one that make me want to just throw in the towel and find something else for me.

But I can't do that. I just can't.

been awhile

So it's been awhile since I've written one of these and I just decided I should take a few minutes and write. Hmm ... so lets see ... I just watched Mrs. Doubtfire, probably one of the best movies of all times.

Now I'm watching "Dirty Jobs", and I just learned that the owl pellets we disected in high school were NOT owl poo - the pellets were owl vomit. Oh doesn't that make your stomach rumble with hunger ... yuk! Haha - and he was just attacked by an owl!!!!!

I've put in a lot of rough nights ... I've been dreaming some strange things and it's hard to sleep because of it. I don't remember any of them but I do know they are strange. Hmm ... maybe its something I've been eating???

I'm sure this isn't interesting to many people, but to those of you who have read this, kudos to you. I'm just sorry it can't be more interesting.

in response

There was an anonymous comment left on another entry and I think I know who wrote it. I'm not naming names because my objective is not to hurt anyone or blame ... I just wanted to respond.

No matter what you see ... there is someone out there for me. I'm sorry but you don't know the things we went through ... the battles we fought and the things we went through on a daily basis. I don't expect a pity party from anyone ... thats not the way I work. Yeah, things are rough and I have a part in that ... but its not all me. There are a lot of things that went on that I'm sure none of you - you, kim, and denise - know about. And even if you did things would be blamed on me when they aren't all my fault. I feel bad for hurting him - but I know that he will get over it and find someone. And I will find someone who loves me as much as he does or more than he did - it's only a matter of time.

happy ending ....

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be but we lost it
All of the memories so close to me just fade away
All this time you were pretending so much for my happy ending

As the lyrics in the song say, I was jilted out of a happy ending. But as I look back I realize it was all for the better. After reanalyzing my relationship I have realized that things would have ended - whether it was then or after a few years of marriage in divorce. And in a way I'm glad it happened now instead of later. There is just so much I would have missed out on if I would have moved to another state like I had planned. I wouldn't have been able to see my brother graduate and I would have missed that big time.

And while I still feel bad that things ended the way that they did, it's time for me to stop beating myself up about it all and try to move on. And I think thats what I'm going to do.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you, I will ....

Ashlee Simpson

On a Monday, I am waiting
Tuesday, I am fading
And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness is a clear view
Cuz you've come to rescue me

Fall... With you, I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath,
I hope it lasts


[Chorus:]Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
OhhhhhIt's as if you've known me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless
How you never seem to care
When I'm angry, you listen
When youre happy, it's a mission
And you wont stop 'til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast
Well, I hit that bottom
Crash, you're all I have

[Chorus:]Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
OhhhhhIt's as if you known me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

How do you know everything
I'm about to say?
Am I that obvious?
And if it's written on my face...
I hope it never goes away... yeah

On a Monday, I am waiting
And by Tuesday, I am fading into your arms...
So I can breathe

[Chorus:]Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I love the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...


Someday I'll find that guy ... someday

Hiding

Hidden feelings, Please stay hidden
You hurt too much to express
I almost wish my heart was breaking
For this is what I CAN express

Hidden feelings, please stay hidden
My mind is such a mess
I long to just go for ONE day
When my life does not regress

Hidden feelings, please stay hidden
I do not want your pain
This thing I feel is much too new
I don't want all the strain

Hidden feelings, please stay hidden
This all is new to me
For so long I've been in a shell
Now I just want to be free

Hidden feelings, don't stay hidden
It's time for them to see
My life is good and I will live
No matter where you lead

The comments of the day:

*I just threw up in my mouth a little
*Just so you know scary movies make me jump so I'm probably going to burrow into you
*Excuse me while I gag
*Are you for serious???
*sky=blue ... no wait ... sky=kinda gray now that you mention it, then it rained a little bit, kinda windy, then it stopped, and then it got dark....
*I have to go pray to the porcelain gods now ...
*Dude, you smell!
*It looks like the Loch Ness Monster!!!!!

Missing

I feel as though I'm missing something. I don't know if its in my social life(what little of it there is), in my daydreams, or whether it is something right under my nose. I want to be able to find out what it is - I just have a hard time looking inside myself anymore.

Lots of times when I look inside I see a broken heart - a soul in need of serious repair and I have no clue how to even start dealing with either of those. I see blackness - guilt for things done ine the past - those that can never be changed, although I don't know if I would want to change them now that I think about it. Life isn't supposed to be this way - its not supposed to seem as though everyday is a never ending saga I just want to get out of.

I always wanted to have a husband and a family and grow old with one man - not need to have a job, but to have the capability to get one if I needed to. Now I don't even know if I want to do that anymore. I have the beginnings of a family - a beautiful baby boy - but I'm not sure if I can ever handle dating again. I don't want to have my heart broken - I don't think I can take anymore hurts like I have been dealt. To some it may seem as though I am just a hard hearted girl who needs to grow up and deal with life. But my heart isn't heardened to all people - just those who hurt me dearly. And when you hurt me badly you don't deserve to be let into my heart again. I gave you a chance and it was ruined. I don't ever want to go through that again.

Number 1

So the first entry ...

I'm not exactly sure what to say on here. It seems, by the title, I should be saying something of substance about joys and life in general. Unfortunately it isn't so.

And until I can thik of something worthwhile I am signing off.